Today it is time to share a truth and a step forward in my faith.
I believe in Jesus, who died and rose again to save us all from our sins. I love Him with all my heart. I accepted Jesus as my Savior back on Psalm Sunday [April 1998]. Here now, I am the farthest from Him I have ever been. And, my dears ones, it is I who have moved...not Jesus.
So much on my mind these days. The cold of the winter has surely set into my heart. The fear of doing well at my job has numbed me. It is this fear of failure I wish to express. I have allowed this job [the fear of losing it to be precise], that the Lord has provided for me, to become more important than Jesus. The devil knows my weaknesses...my pride being the biggest weakness of all. I want to be the best at my job. Who doesn't you say. Here is my downfall...I want everyone to think of me as the best. I want to hear everyone tell me just how great I am...always...everyday. I want it always to be about me...me...me. At the job I do, taking calls and talking with customers, it is about listening to the concerns and then offering resolutions to those concerns. There are goals to be met: how long the calls is to be, how well the tone [treating the customer with respect without letting any judgments entering the voice] of the call is managed, how many times the use of a senior representative's opinion is asked, how well are programs, policies and procedures carried out [basically how many mistakes were made in the handling of the call], etc.
It is the latter issue that has unnerved me and caused me to give into the overwhelming fear of losing my job and numbing me to the point of no motivation. Yes, a mind is a terrible thing to waste. I have wasted my mind on awful thoughts of failure and frightened myself to lethargic hopelessness. That is exactly where the devil knew to trap me...and my dear ones, I walked right smack into it.
Since taking my first call, I started off on the wrong foot...without going into a lot of detail...it resulted in a verbal warning. I was in training...as long as I did not have any other issues...once out of training it would go away. I went home in tears. Thinking that was it...I would throw in the towel right then and there. I talked it over with the Lord and my husband. I stuck it out. Phew, I made it to through training and probation. I have struggled with my call handle times. Seems I just can't seem to resolve the call quick enough. I was going along better until last January...yes, another warning. I took it better than the first one...my pride was still bruised. Then, a few months later, Bam...another warning...it was right in the middle of the busiest call volume and working crazy amount overtime...no excuses...it left me deeply mortified. The fear seeped deeply into my body...fear of failing at my job, fear of losing my job, fear of being a failure in the eyes of my husband and fear of being a failure in front of the Lord and especially fear of being a fool in front of all the people at work. Dread became my best friend. Instead of praying, I began to escape and live in denial by spending endless hours watching movies and playing silly computer games. As result of the self inflicted stress, I over eat and eat junk food to punish myself. While at work, I was in constant dread of each call becoming my last. Not to mention, I struggle finding the positive motivation to get of out bed to go into work. And in this cold dreary winter weather, my willingness to get out of bed to drive and make it to work has only gotten worse.
Well, wouldn't you know, trouble loves company...right? Just the other day, I took a call...I ended up transferring it. Although, it is not official...it will result in yet another warning. Now what. The battle of faith is in the mind not the heart. I gave my heart to Jesus...it is the best thing I ever did...I did not give Him all of me...I did not give Him my mind [this is where my pride lives in the flesh]. I kept that for me to control. Any of you know, when you ask Jesus into your life, it means you give it all to Him. And, I did. But...and that it is the fist sign...using 'but'. It is a sign that I have not given myself completely to Jesus. It is an indicator that I am going to spend some time going around and around the mountain until I let go of and truly give God control in my life. The good news is God loves me and my mess. God will make me good because He Loves me.
Forgive me, I have gotten track a little...
I came home on Friday filled with unimaginable fear. Not eagerly looking forward to Monday, when I have to get up and face realty. I did not share with my Salah what happened at work. I cried myself to sleep that night. In the morning, I got up and went before the Lord. I asked for the strength to share with my husband...how do I tell him I have made a third error and I will most likely lose my job and if I lose this job...then we will lose this farm...and....and....and...I hate looking like a fool...I don't want to let my husband or the Lord down...and that is right where I let my mind and the devil put me.
I did tell my husband. We talked about it for a while. He reassured me with Godly wisdom and love. Today, not wanting to face the snow outside and the snow blowing that needs to be done, I asked my husband, if he was ok with doing all the snow blowing...I was laughing...you know that nervous laugh that comes when you are extremely embarrassed.
He asked me, "Why are you laughing?'
Me: " I feel funny [embarrassed] asking you that way."
My hubby: "You stay inside. Go back and read your Bible a bit. Your faith is weakening because of all this work stuff. It makes me weaker too. Read your Bible and take time to be by God."
That is my Lord and Savior speaking to me through my husband...who God has placed in my life as the most precious gift ever given to me.
My dear ones, even if you have not personally come to Jesus...no matter what you may believe...I tell you the truth, only one thing matters-stay close to God:
"come near to God and He will come near to you." ~James 4:8~
Also this passage:
"You're all I want in heaven! You're all I want on earth! When my skin sags and my bones get brittle, God is my rock-firm and faithful. Look! Those who left you are falling apart! Deserters, they'll never be heard from again. But I'm in the very presence of God--oh, how refreshing it is! I've made Lord God my home. God, I'm telling the world what you do!" ~Psalm 73:25-28 The Message~
Really, when it comes down to it, there are only two positions in life-close to God or far away from Him. What has caused me so much trouble in recent days and accounted for all my difficulties is the fact that I did not keep close to God. I have chosen not remain close to God...I moved...I have listened to lies the devil has whispered in my ear.
Not sure how this whole job thing will work out. Not sure where God is taking me. I expect Him to show up. I wait in a state of expectancy, and leave room for God to come in as His likes. So, I heed the Godly wisdom of my husband: "Go back and read your Bible". God's Word is alive with meaning, and when you read it something will happen to you. Expect it to speak to you--and it will. Faith is expectancy: "according to your faith will it be done to you." [Matthew 9:29]. The moment we cease to obey, that moment the revelation ceases to reveal.
I leave you with this prayer:
Gracious Father, I don't want nearness to You to be an occasional experience--I want it to be a perpetual experience. help me to pay the price, no matter what it costs. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen