Sorry, This is not a good time for me...

Good Morrow my dear loved ones, my precious family circle...

Whether you and I are connected through actual family ties...whether you and I are connected through ties of friendship...you are all each one in my heart part of my family circle...and what a precious honor and privilege it is that you have opened and shared a portion of your life with me...a gift I open each day and thankful to receive such a blessing.

Today, I am at home miserable, with headache and aching in my heart. I pray for humility in sharing with you, to express the weariness that I have been too embarrassed and ashamed to reveal. As my trusted family circle, the sense of honesty and openness comes out into the light through trust and confidence in Jesus. I can hear you say, “Oh no, not another long dissertation.” Please let me say, as always when I write, I do not write in an effort to bring myself attention but to reveal and glorify the wonders of the Lord working through my life.

As Mother Teresa stated: “I'm a little pencil in the hand of a writing God, who is sending a love letter to the world.”

In the words of ABBA:

Don't go wasting your emotion
Lay all your love on me
Don't go sharing your devotion
Lay all your love on me

I hear these words in my head a lot lately. Who is whispering them in my ear, Jesus. Alas, my dear ones, as much I love Jesus...I have neglected Him horribly. What does that mean? That means I have not taken my quiet time with Him. Even when I do have quiet time with Him, I manage to do it quickly and to try to get it over within 5 minutes or less. I want to get back to my comfy chair and do anything else rather than face the changes in my heart and my life the Lord is bringing into the light. In essence, I am trying to hide my bad habits from Him. Hence, the title “Sorry, this is not a good time for me”.

Why am I in such a hurry to get back to my comfy chair or what am I trying to hide, you ask? Worrying about my job, which I have come to dread, for fear of losing it if I do not do it well. Actually, there is more to it than just worrying about doing it well; I worry about disappointing my husband if I should fail and lose my job. This job has been very hard for me and my pride has gotten the better of me. There is no joy in doing the job. It goes beyond and deeper than just 'everyone does not like their job'. Truly, it is an aching dread and lack of joy that causes me such agony. I just don't want to do this job. I do not understand my stubbornness in this area. God has graciously provide this job for me to do and I am very unwilling to want to do it anymore.

In the past, I have managed to find a groove or joy in doing my job. Perhaps I should go a little deeper to say, egotistically, in the past I have been able to glorify myself and make me look good in my job. Come on, you know what that is: it is all about me syndrome. I too am guilty of if I am not the best one at my job and I am not told constantly how great I am then I am lost and confused and I pout. Who knew. The Lord knows.

As from James 3:16-18 The Message (MSG): Live Well, Live Wisely: “Do you want to be counted wise, to build a reputation for wisdom? Here’s what you do: Live well, live wisely, live humbly. It’s the way you live, not the way you talk, that counts. Mean-spirited ambition isn't wisdom. Boasting that you are wise isn't wisdom. Twisting the truth to make yourselves sound wise isn't wisdom. It’s the furthest thing from wisdom—it’s animal cunning, devilish conniving. Whenever you’re trying to look better than others or get the better of others, things fall apart and everyone ends up at the others’ throats. Real wisdom, God’s wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.”

This job is not like any other I have held. I do not sell anything, I do not make anything, I do not serve or care for anyone. Well, yes, I answer customers concerns about their service. I am merely a voice on the other end of the phone. Maybe that is the issue...my perspective. Even though the customer is not really venting about me personally, they are expressing their dislike for the processes and their circumstances. Do you have any idea how hard it really is to remain quiet, polite and reserved when they are spewing forth various ways of negativity and disapproval when you are only offering an answer to a question they themselves asked for an answer?

Yesterday, was a most challenging day, I had a call with two sisters who tagged teamed me, meaning they were on speaker phone together and I had to endure insults from not only one of them but both of them at the same time. I am perfectly willing to answer any and all questions a customer may have, that is my job. The part that I struggle with and causes the bruises to my ego, is when the customer starts to speak to me in a disrespectful tone and begins to bait me to get angry by hurling personal insults upon me. I honestly run out of positive tone, words and ways to respond. The effect of having to swallow my pride so many times in one day exhausts me. This is where the dread of the job begins to overtake me. It is kind of like shock. I cannot believe I have been a witness to so much negativity, pain and sorrow in one day. Being human, I am confronted by the reality that there has been a few moments in my life where I have been just like that to someone else. My greatest fear is that I may sound like that to someone now. By the time I arrive home at night or by the time the weekend comes, I just want to sit in my comfy chair and not speak any more.

Isaiah 54:14 The Voice (VOICE): “This time, you will be founded and grounded on right thought, speech, and action. And no one will trouble you, abuse or oppress you; you will know no fear and have no worries.”

If I spent even a quarter of the time with the Lord asking Him to reveal His purpose for me in this job that I have spent worrying about my job...I would have less to worry about. Because I have chosen to push Jesus to the side while I figure this out on my own, I have allowed idleness and fear into my home. Did you know that it took the Jews 40 years to travel an eleven day trip back when Moses was leading them? I am here to say, that my own stubbornness just may take me as long to learn what the Lord is waiting to teach me.

I have been murmuring and stamping my feet against doing this job. Seems rather childish for me to be carrying on about this when there others out in the world who have far bigger issues to overcome. I become a hypocrite by telling others how they should believe in and trust in God when in secret and behind closed doors I struggle in fulling trusting God myself.

Matthew 7:3-5 Living Bible (TLB): “And why worry about a speck in the eye of a brother when you have a board in your own? Should you say, ‘Friend, let me help you get that speck out of your eye,’ when you can’t even see because of the board in your own? Hypocrite! First get rid of the board. Then you can see to help your brother.”

Be mindful, this is not about self pity but about seeking an attitude adjustment. I have often chosen to take a step or make a decision on my own limited knowledge. Then if it turns out a mess, I quickly drop to me knees and ask the Lord to fix it for me. This is all backwards. I am seek to the Lord first and wait for His answer. So here I am allowing my bad decisions and worry to overtake me, stress me out to the point of sickness, instead of holding onto God's promises.

Psalm 56:11 The Voice (VOICE): “In God I have placed my trust. I shall not let fear come in, for what can measly men do to me?”

To allow Jesus all the way into my life, I have given my heart, I am to also give Him my mind. After all that is where the battle wages, in my mind. The Lord can certainly be using this job as a lesson for developing humility. So far, He has revealed how often I take personal credit instead of giving the credit to Him and how He has worked through me. He has shown how often I look for others to praise my efforts instead praising Him for His handiwork. I have made this job about myself and what I am able to do [or in some cases can't do] instead of telling others how great God is. He has revealed I am not as open to positive criticism as I thought which makes it harder for me to admit I may have made an error or mistake. He has allowed me to see that responding in love is a powerful lesson [although sometimes painful] in humility.

Someday soon, I pray, the Lord will find a way to provide me with job where I can use my writing and computer graphic skills for His benefit and glory. My heart truly yearns to write for the Lord. Until that day, I ask for His bending and molding in my life to make into the woman and wife He would want me to be.

Psalm 33:20 The Message (MSG) “We’re depending on God; he’s everything we need. What’s more, our hearts brim with joy since we've taken for our own his holy name. Love us, God, with all you've got—that’s what we’re depending on.”