Good evening my dear ones.
I have been struggling of late with
my pride. Alas, it is a never ending journey. The side effects of
this struggle is a lack of motivation, ungratefulness, and denial of
being stubborn. One of the biggest hurdles that needs jumping, is my
attitude toward the job the Lord has provided. I could easily throw
all the blame on the job and use it as a scapegoat for my inner
turmoil. Truth be told, I simply have been plain out right throwing a
temper tantrum of a three year old in this area for the last several
months. I just don't want to do it. Each day as I face getting out of
bed to get ready for work, I spend at least five minutes trying to
think of a way not to get up and go. With the grace and strength from
the Lord, He gets me up, pats me on my bottom and gets me to work.
I make the day and the job all about
me. It is time for this to stop. It is exhausting me to the point of
a breakdown. I want to be the best, I worry too much about what
people think of my strengths and abilities. Notice me please, I am
over here! I want the customers to hear my words [to listen to me
without argument thank you very much] and come away from the
conversation thinking I know all and my isn't she just the sweetest
and pleasantest person I have ever spoken with there. Because my mind
knows just what to say and what to do to make ME look good. When the
job does not go well, because I let my pride get in the way in the
first place, I pout because they did not listen to me. I start to say
how I don't like the job. Yes, dear ones, I am an egotist after all.
That is a hard pill to swallow. The phrase the bigger they are the
harder they fall, rings in my ears realizing just how inflated my ego
really has become.
The Lord has been a knockin' hard on
my head lately. I have questioned His authority: “Why do I have to
go and do this job, Lord? Please may I have a different job?”
In response, I have heard His voice
say: “Sara, I want you there and to continue to do this job. This
is the job I have for you.”
I turned away ignoring the loud
rapping on the door to my brain. This simply cannot be true, what
good can come out of doing this job. Hmpf, I know myself better than
the Lord, certainly there is a job better suited for me. So I have
looked. Silly, silly Sara, taking matters into my own hands, nothing
to be found. The Lord still speaks to me: “Sara, this is the job I
have for you.”
“Despise not the chastening of the
Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of Him.” Hebrews 12:5 {KJV}
Or another version says it this
way: "And have you quite forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you, his child? He said, "My son, don't be angry when the Lord punishes you. Don't be discouraged when he has to show you where you are wrong." Hebrews 12:5 {The Living Bible}
This verse brings to mind the
devotional by Oswald Chambers: “It is very easy to quench the
Spirit; we do it by despising the chastening of the Lord, by fainting
when we are rebuked by Him. If we have only a shallow experience of
sanctification, we mistake the shadow for the reality, and when the
Spirit of God begins to check, we say—oh, that must be the devil.
Never quench the Spirit, and do not despise Him when He says to
you—“Don't be blind on this point any more; you are not where you
thought you were. Up to the present I have not been able to reveal it
to you, but I reveal it now.” When the Lord chastens you like that,
let Him have His way. Let Him relate you rightly to God. “Nor faint
when thou art rebuked of Him.” We get into sulks with God and
say—“Oh, well, I can't help it; I did pray and things did not
turn out right, and I am going to give it all up.” Think what would
happen if we talked like this in any other domain of life! Am I
prepared to let God grip me by His power and do a work in me that is
worthy of Himself? Sanctification is not my idea of what I want God
to do for me; sanctification is God's idea of what He wants to do for
me, and He has to get me into the attitude of mind and spirit where
at any cost I will let Him sanctify me wholly.” ~from My Utmost For
His Highest
I am touched by God’s
love and blessings with the thought of how He
planned me. More endearing to my heart,
God wanted me.
This realization hits my
mind like a clap of thunder reverberating through the sky. This
concept touched my heart a long time back, when I accepted Jesus as
my Savior, but it has taken many a winding road to reach into and
settle into my thoughts [into my brain]. Understanding what the
condition [shape] of my stubborn pride is in, is like that though. A
relatively simple idea so easy to grasp takes the longest to truly
comprehend.
It reminds me of the
book, The Shack, I read a few years ago. It held several important
messages. One of the messages that seems to keep replying in my head,
is the one that God loves me despite the mess that is inside of me.
In chapter 9, entitled ‘A Long Time Ago, In A Garden Far, Far Away’
the story enters a garden that appears as a “beautiful mess” to
the main character. Later at the end of the chapter after work in the
garden was finished, this is what is revealed:
Sarayu reached up and kissed Papa on the cheek. “As always, your timing is perfect. Everything that I needed Mackenzie to do there is finished.” She turned to him. “Mackenzie, you are such a delight! Thank you for all your hard work!”
“I didn’t do that much, really,” he apologized. “I mean, look at this mess.” His gaze moved over the garden that surrounded them. “But it really is beautiful, and full of you, Sarayu. Even though it seems like lots of work still needs to be done, I feel strangely at home and comfortable here.”
The two [Papa and Sarayu] looked at each other and grinned.
Sarayu stepped toward him until she had invaded his personal space. “And well you should, Mackenzie, because this garden is your soul. This mess is you! Together, you and I, we have been working with a purpose in your heart. And it is wild and beautiful and perfectly in process. To you it seems like a mess, but to me, I see a perfect pattern emerging and growing and live — a living fractal.”
The impact of her words almost crumbled all of Mack’s reserve. He looked again at their garden —his garden— and it really was a mess, but incredible and wonderful at the same time. And beyond that, Papa was here and Sarayu loved the mess. It was almost too much to comprehend and once again his carefully guarded emotions threatened to spill over.
I offer this prayer for
all of you, my dear ones. As you take your journey with Jesus, may
the Holy Spirit move within your heart, mind and soul. Let the Holy
Spirit work with you in the garden of your soul, your beautiful mess.
God loves you and your mess. Gratefully, receive all His tilling of
the soil within your heart and His pulling of the weeds that distract
from allowing His blossoming flowers to grow within your soul. In
Jesus' name, Amen
