The Next Rung On The Ladder

The Lord amazes me everyday with something new I had not seen or been aware of before. I am ever grateful for His steadfast presence in my life. I am a child who willingly runs after the Lord to catch up with Him and walk properly by His side.

Lately, I have been struggling with the feeling of rejection from searching for a job. My previous employer, moved the company office to a location further away from my home. I chose not to add the distance to my already rather long commute and left the company. 

Thinking to myself, it would be easy to find a new job closer to home. Admitting, I made this choice on my own accord. Honestly, I did not spend time in prayer before making the final decision. This was 10 months ago. I received unemployment and cashed in my 401k, we have been able to still meet the monthly expenses. We have reached the end of those resources, and now are close to facing the "what now" questions. 

Ah, yes, my husband and I have been here before (too may times really). The Lord was with us in a similar situation when my husband was laid off from his job a few years ago. I know He is with us now. I can't help ask myself, "what did I miss?" Do you see what I missed? One very big thing, I did not seek the Lord in my decision to leave the job. 

Two verses come to mind:

First verse from 2 Chronicles 7:14: "if my people, who called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land."

Second verse from Proverbs 23:4: "Labor not to be rich; cease from thine own wisdom."

My husband and I seem to keep coming back to this same situation: money stuff. When will we ever really understand this money thing? The Lord provides for all our needs. Money is something we use while on this earth. It messes me up all the time. I get dependent on the money and not God. Yep, I totally forget about the Lord when I have bank account with money in it. Then when that money runs out, yep, you guessed it, I go running for the Lord for His help. Thank goodness for His mercy and grace, I win another a trip around the mountain. Sigh. Dear Lord, I am sorry for the mess I have made it. 

So the following encourages me to get it right for the Lord's sake:

Help me to put my foot on the next rung of the ladder and realize that although I may be feeling useless and worthless, nevertheless, I am still in the presence of God. He still permits me to come into His presence, even though I have forgotten His promises & misunderstood His ways. God does not cast me away. Let the wonder of this break afresh upon me today. Whatever has gone wrong in my life, I confess it to Him and look into His face & say: "Nevertheless, I am continually with You."

Me And This Job

Hello my loved ones,

Today it is time to share a truth and a step forward in my faith.

I believe in Jesus, who died and rose again to save us all from our sins. I love Him with all my heart. I accepted Jesus as  my Savior back on Psalm Sunday [April 1998]. Here now, I am the farthest from Him I have ever been. And, my dears ones, it is I who have moved...not Jesus.

So much on my mind these days. The cold of the winter has surely set into my heart. The fear of doing well at my job has numbed me. It is this fear of failure I wish to express. I have allowed this job [the fear of losing it to be precise], that the Lord has provided for me, to become more important than Jesus. The devil knows my weaknesses...my pride being the biggest weakness of all. I want to be the best at my job. Who doesn't you say. Here is my downfall...I want everyone to think of me as the best. I want to hear everyone tell me just how great I am...always...everyday. I want it always to be about me...me...me. At the job I do, taking calls and talking with customers, it is about listening to the concerns and then offering resolutions to those concerns. There are goals to be met: how long the calls is to be, how well the tone [treating the customer with respect without letting any judgments entering the voice] of the call is managed, how many times the use of a senior representative's opinion is asked, how well are programs, policies and procedures carried out [basically how many mistakes were made in the handling of the call], etc.

It is the latter issue that has unnerved me and caused me to give into the overwhelming fear of losing my job and numbing me to the point of no motivation. Yes, a mind is a terrible thing to waste. I have wasted my mind on awful thoughts of failure and frightened myself to lethargic hopelessness. That is exactly where the devil knew to trap me...and my dear ones, I walked right smack into it.

Since taking my first call, I started off on the wrong foot...without going into a lot of detail...it resulted in a verbal warning. I was in training...as long as I did not have any other issues...once out of training it would go away. I went home in tears. Thinking that was it...I would throw in the towel right then and there. I talked it over with the Lord and my husband. I stuck it out. Phew, I made it to through training and probation. I have struggled with my call handle times. Seems I just can't seem to resolve the call quick enough. I was going along better until last January...yes, another warning. I took it better than the first one...my pride was still bruised. Then, a few months later, Bam...another warning...it was right in the middle of the busiest call volume and working crazy amount overtime...no excuses...it left me deeply mortified. The fear seeped deeply into my body...fear of failing at my job, fear of losing my job, fear of being a failure in the eyes of my husband and fear of being a failure in front of the Lord and especially fear of being a fool in front of all the people at work. Dread became my best friend. Instead of praying, I began to escape and live in denial by spending endless hours watching movies and playing silly computer games. As result of  the self inflicted stress, I over eat and eat junk food to punish myself. While at work, I was in constant dread of each call becoming my last. Not to mention, I struggle finding the positive motivation to get of out bed to go into work. And in this cold dreary winter weather, my willingness to get out of bed to drive and make it to work has only gotten worse.

Well, wouldn't you know, trouble loves company...right? Just the other day, I took a call...I ended up transferring it. Although, it is not official...it will result in yet another warning. Now what. The battle of faith is in the mind not the heart. I gave my heart to Jesus...it is the best thing I ever did...I did not give Him all of me...I did not give Him my mind [this is where my pride lives in the flesh]. I kept that for me to control. Any of you know, when you ask Jesus into your life, it means you give it all to Him. And, I did. But...and that it is the fist sign...using 'but'. It is a sign that I have not given myself completely to Jesus. It is an indicator that I am going to spend some time going around and around the mountain until I let go of and truly give God control in my life. The good news is God loves me and my mess. God will make me good because He Loves me.

Forgive me, I have gotten track a little...

I came home on Friday filled with unimaginable fear. Not eagerly looking forward to Monday, when I have to get up and face realty. I did not share with my Salah what happened at work. I cried myself to sleep that night. In the morning, I got up and went before the Lord. I asked for the strength to share with my husband...how do I tell him I have made a third error and I will most likely lose my job and if I lose this job...then we will lose this farm...and....and....and...I hate looking like a fool...I don't want to let my husband or the Lord down...and that is right where I let my mind and the devil put me.

I did tell my husband. We talked about it for a while. He reassured me with Godly wisdom and love. Today, not wanting to face the snow outside and the snow blowing that needs to be done, I asked my husband, if he was ok with doing all the snow blowing...I was laughing...you know that nervous laugh that comes when you are extremely embarrassed.

He asked me, "Why are you laughing?'
Me: " I feel funny [embarrassed] asking you that way."
My hubby: "You stay inside. Go back and read your Bible a bit. Your faith is weakening because of all this work stuff. It makes me weaker too. Read your Bible and take time to be by God."

That is my Lord and Savior speaking to me through my husband...who God has placed in my life as the most precious gift ever given to me.

My dear ones, even if you have not personally come to Jesus...no matter what you may believe...I tell you the truth, only one thing matters-stay close to God:

"come near to God and He will come near to you." ~James 4:8~

Also this passage:

"You're all I want in heaven! You're all I want on earth! When my skin sags and my bones get brittle, God is my rock-firm and faithful. Look! Those who left you are falling apart! Deserters, they'll never be heard from again. But I'm in the very presence of God--oh, how refreshing it is! I've made Lord God my home. God, I'm telling the world what you do!" ~Psalm 73:25-28 The Message~

Really, when it comes down to it, there are only two positions in life-close to God or far away from Him. What has caused me so much trouble in recent days and accounted for all my difficulties is the fact that I did not keep close to God. I have chosen not remain close to God...I moved...I have listened to lies the devil has whispered in my ear.

Not sure how this whole job thing will work out. Not sure where God is taking me. I expect Him to show up. I wait in a state of expectancy, and leave room for God to come in as His likes. So, I heed the Godly wisdom of my husband: "Go back and read your Bible". God's Word is alive with meaning, and when you read it something will happen to you. Expect it to speak to you--and it will. Faith is expectancy: "according to your faith will it be done to  you." [Matthew 9:29]. The moment we cease to obey, that moment the revelation ceases to reveal.

I leave you with this prayer:

Gracious Father, I don't want nearness to You to be an occasional experience--I want it to be a perpetual experience. help me to pay the price, no matter what it costs. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen

Tie Rod Miracle

Blessed Lord Jesus, You who used Your suffering to beautify everything You did, teach me the art of turning every test into a testimony and every tragedy into a triumph.

Salah and I drive a 2006 blue Mitsubishi Raider durocross 4x4 truck.

I drive it to work during the winter months when the weather and the roads are unpredictable.

Back in February, we noticed an odd metal on metal clanking when we would make a turn or when the truck went over any bumps. Being the on top of things owners we are, we continued to drive it without taking it in to be inspected. I drive 100 miles a day [5 days a week]. Knowing a potential hazard was eminent, I went slower and slowed down for the bumps in the road [since I drive the same road everyday, I knew ahead where most of the bumps were]. Every time we were driving in the truck together, Salah would mention how we needed to take the truck in to be inspected for the sound. This continued until after the last snow, I parked the truck in the garage and drove the Aveo [our other car] to work. Now that I was more confident that the weather and roads would be safer, I could drive the Aveo which is better on gas.

Last week, Salah took the truck in for an oil change. While he was waiting, he told them about the sound and if they would check what might be causing it. They did. Salah emailed me at work telling me he had bad news about the truck and he would share that news with me when I got home that evening. The rest of the day I worried about what it was and how much it was going to cost. *Sigh* Just when we get a little bit ahead.

I arrive home that evening with an expectant husband bursting with the news 'the tie rod is very bad. It could break ANY time' *heart sinks* Thinking how many trips to work I had driven in that 'it could break ANY time' condition and survived! Thankful the Lord watches over me and keeps me safe.

Reality check: We have to take it somewhere to be repaired.

Salah called a friend and asked for a recommendation on where to take it. He called the place on Thursday. They told him to bring it on Friday [Good Friday]. Having that day off, I stayed at home while Salah took the truck to get an estimate. I was finishing my breakfast when the phone rang about an hour later. It was Salah. It was in fact the same news 'the tie rod is very bad. It could break at ANY time. The front breaks are bad too.' *Sigh* He gave me the quote of how much it would be to repair both. *Ok, honey it has to be done, ugh* They were able to do it that same day. *phew* I went to pick up Salah and we continued with the rest our day.

We went back to pick up the truck later that afternoon. I followed Salah home. Half way home, Salah pulls the truck over. He walks over to me in the Aveo and tells me "They did not fix it. It has the same sound." He asks me if I want to drive it so I could hear it for myself. *sigh* I declined. I trusted what he heard. We got home and reviewed the scenario. Salah was so upset. I tried to reassure  him that it would be work out. He told me not to be so naïve. *sigh* My heart just aches when I see Salah get himself worked up. Not to say I wasn't  upset too. But, he and I handle stress differently, he rushes right into the thick of it and I take a breath to step back. Not sure which is the better way, I guess it depends on the situation.

We knew we would have to go  back and discuss the issue with the shop that repaired the truck. He spent the rest of the evening brewing about the confrontation we were facing the next day. He kept stating how could they just take our money and not really fix it. I kept reassuring him we are forever faced with life's trust issues and the Lord would help us work it out. I refused to allow the devil to steal our peace. I quietly whispered a prayer for help. Poor Salah, he tossed and turned all night with frustration and worry.

So the next morning, Saturday came. We discussed whether to drive both vehicles in case they had to keep the truck. We decided we would just drive the truck. We got in the truck and headed out to face the challenge. As we drove, I listened for the sound that had developed into this test of faith. The road leading to Leaf River is not too bumpy so it sounded normal. We approached the railroad tracks. This would be the test. Over the tracks the truck went, I heard nothing other than the regular road noise from the tires and the rattling you expect going over railroad tracks.

Salah said to me, "There you hear!"
I was quiet. Then I said, "No, I do not hear. That is not the same clanking we heard before the repair. That is normal sounds of a vehicle."
He said, "Wait. You will hear it."

We continued down the road out of Leaf River. I asked Salah to make a left turn on one of the country roads. I told him the sound was really bad when the truck made a left turn. So he did as I asked. *quiet* I think he stopped breathing in order to make sure I would hear the dooming clank sound. No sound. We continued down the road. Over several bumps. *pause* No sound.

He says to me, "I was not dreaming yesterday on our way back home. The sound WAS STILL THERE!"
I reassured him, "I am sure it was. That is how God works. He does cool things like that. He takes our doubts and fears and turns them around into a miracle. Even if it is a tie rod on a truck."

We drove around on the back roads a little bit longer. Making several left turns. Going over several bumpy roads. No sound ever heard. We did not have to go confront the issue of it not being repaired. God had repaired the situation already for us.

We drove to Rockford instead. We went to Woodman's to get groceries. As we were checking out, the young man who was cashiering seemed to be in a bad mood. If you have ever been to a Woodman's [it is a HUGE grocery store], they are constantly busy. Anyway, Salah greets the young man who tells us "It is not a good day for me." Salah begins to share the story of the truck.
He tells the young man, "You know I started my day in the worst mood too. We had our truck repaired yesterday. When we drove it home, it still made the sound it did before it was repaired. I spent my whole evening upset about it. I did not even sleep because I was upset it wasn't fixed. I woke this  morning in an even worse mood knowing I had to go argue with them about not fixing it. I was convinced they had not done the job."

I let Salah tell the young man the story of the truck. I observed the young man react to the story. The whole time Salah was talking the young man kept his head down and continued to ring up the items. The young man barely smiled.

Salah continued with the story. He got to the part where we went over the tracks and how we tried taking it over bumpy roads. Salah asked the young man, "Do you know what happened when we did that?"
The young man looked up for the first time, saying, "No, what happened?"
"God fixed it! He made it so I would not have to go and get angry with them. He made me see how He fixes EVERYTHING," Salah told the young man as they looked at each other face to face.
The young man smiled, broadly, at Salah and said, "Thank You."

Moral of the story: God wants to be included in ALL aspects of our lives. Not just the 'major areas', He wants to be included even the tedious little areas of having a tie rod repaired.

"But before people can ask the Lord for help, they must believe, in him; and before they can believe in  him, they must hear about him; and for them to hear about the Lord, someone must tell them." ~Romans 10:14 New Century Version

A thought about ‘talk’

Really???

Husband to wife: “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what i meant.”

A thought about ‘tardiness’

Secret to shorter days:

Employee to irate boss: “Of course I have a good reason for being late! It makes the day seem shorter.”

Flickr Tags: husbands,wife,talk,tardiness,days,shorter,secret place,boss,employee

Happy Thursday

Oh my word, it has been a while since I last touched this blog. My husband and I have been enjoying our home and land in the last few days.

Steadily ever so steadily, we press forward to the next tree that needs to be cut down or the next overgrown plot that needs to be cleared. My oh my, living out here in God’s countryside is a blessing.

Today God has filled the sky with white puffy clouds joyously rolling across the bright blue sky. His trees are dancing and dipping within His wind. You can sense autumn sneaking into the air. The sun lands differently on our lawn.

The four little kittens are 3 months old and growing so quickly. Their mother sternly teaches them that they are not nursing anymore! They roll and pounce over and on each other. It has been a fascinating process to watch them grow from birth. She has taken them to different areas within our land and out buildings. They like to sit right at our front step and wait for a treat of milk.

We are beginning a compost pile. We will prepare our garden for next year soon. I recently read about lasagna gardening in the Illinois Farm Bureau quarterly magazine. I am curious and excited about the process and eager to watch it unfold. I learned so much from little garden this year. God gave me such a nice spot and there is so ooooohhhh so much more to learn.

My husband is such a welcome presence around our home and land. I always feel more comfortable working outdoors when he is near.

Well, I must move on to our next overgrown plot that needs clearing.

Have a great weekend!!!

Flickr Tags: clouds,dancing,dipping,trees,months,kittens,farm,garden,lasagna,air,sun

Walking in the fields and groves

Jonathan Edwards wrote of his wife, Sarah, “They say there is a young lady in (New Haven) who is loved of that Great Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight; and she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on him. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and singular purity in their affection. You could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness and universal benevolence of mind. She will sometimes go about from place to place, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her.” ~Edna Gerstner, Jonathan and Sarah: An Uncommon Union, Soli Deo Gloria, p. 153- 154 ~

How these words have stirred my own struggling and unruly heart. Dear Lord Jesus, I long for your sweet delight to fill my heart and mind with Your singular purity and affection. I ask for the same wonderful sweetness, calmness and benevolence of mind. For I desire to walk among the fields and groves of our land and to tarry through the day of tasks and chores of our earthly home with Someone[my Jesus] invisible always conversing with me. I ask this not for my benefit or acclaim but for Your glory and honor to be revealed through me; to be a blessing to You my Lord and Savior and to my husband Salah who You have charged me with the tremendous, joyful task to love, honor and obey. I ask for the humbleness in spirit to honor and serve my cherished family and valued friends that You have placed within the depths of my heart. That I may also be led under an uncommon discovery of God’s Excellency, and in a high exercise of love to Him, and rest and joy in Him, make a new and most solemn dedication of myself to His service and glory for His sake, for my husband’s sake, for my family’s and my friend’s sake. Thank you Dear Lord Jesus, for being the reason for the joy and love in my once frozen heart and tattered life. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

For those who may be interested, this is a link that shares a glimpse of Sarah Edwards, wife, mother, and child of God:

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/ConferenceMessages/ByDate/2003/1656_Sarah_Edwards_Jonathans_Home_and_Haven/

My Husband Salah

Meeting my husband was a HUGE change in my life.

God has blessed me with a most extraordinary loving husband.

I have to back up a bit...bare with me as I widen the lense alittle to give a better glimpse...

I was 36 years old when I found Jesus. I had grown up in a Methodist home but never knew Jesus. I believed there was something, God or higher power, that kept it all together. I did not feel it was not necessary to go to church, read the Bible, nor to speak or think about Jesus. I had not ever drank or done drugs. When I was in high school, I was the most boring person. I did not date in in my high school days. I did not date in my early adult days either. I had crushes and little sparks of interest. I have to admit something very personal about myself, when I care for someone I care deeply! I would not merely go for the one night stand or just for fun fling. I was searching for the ONE and only. I spent years agonizing in heartache over a missed opportunity. I wasted a lot of time wondering why not "this one". I did not have intimate relations with a man until I was in my mid-thirties. Even then it was only twice until I was blessed with my husband. I was helpful towards others and did the occasional random act of kindness. I went carefree along in my little life doing it “my way” believing that I had gotten this far all on my own. I was a tough little girl. After all isn’t that what the world tells us we are to do? Not to mention, we are not to let on that we are miserable and hurting and might need help. I am amazed just how wrong I was.

My personal and deliberate road to finding Jesus started in the late '90's when I purchased my first computer. I hooked up to the internet and vroooommm I was off. I had posted a personal ad here and there. I met a few men. It was all so thrilling to share thoughts and feelings at first. Then reality would hit and it became clear that their intentions were not the same as mine. This up and down roller coaster adventure of emotions and sharing only added to the already disenchanted heartache I had locked inside of me. I felt doomed to never find 'the one' for me.

It was in January or so of 1998 when the person who would lead me to Christ answered my personal ad. We met and started 'dating'. During the course of conversation, he asked me if I believed in God and Jesus. He had been concerned because I had stated that I believed there was a God but did not have to go to church or anything. I was a arrogant in spirit against God. He mentioned to me that his uncle attended a church in the town I was living in at the time [he actually lived somewhere else]. We talked about church. He asked if I would be willing to attend his uncle's church. I agreed without blinking! So we went one Sunday in February of 1998.

The church was an Assembly of God church. I had never been to a church like that in my life. The music and the sermon were none like anything I had experienced. At the end of the sermon, the pastor invited people down to the altar. I had no idea what that really meant. The man I had come with walked down and knelt before the altar. He stayed there quite awhile as did several others. I walked down to kneel beside him. I was checking on him. He looked up at me and stated that he needed this today. That he was changed and he was glad he had come. I was polite and nodded my head, inside I was thinking, ok whatever.

We went to lunch after the service. He talked about Jesus and the change in his heart. I had no clue what he was referring to and merely acknowledged I was listening. He told me as much as he enjoyed attending the church, he would not be able to continue going since he lived further away. He mentioned to me that I should keep going. He asked me if I would be comfortable going by myself. There was no thought involved, I answered “yes” right away. It never dawned on me to second guess the question or wonder why I would even go. I told him I would go and I did. I went back every Sunday. I even began a member’s class to understand the principles of the church. I did all this BEFORE I was saved.

I was curious as to what “being saved” meant and why these people were so willing to kneel at the altar. In the few times I had attended service at my church; no one ever walked down to the altar let alone kneel down there. The only one who I ever saw allowed in the altar was the minister and the occasional wedding party and baptism. The altar was this forbidden place that only a “special” few were to enter. At least that is my foolish interpretation of how I viewed church. I wanted to understand why people were drawn to walk down and kneel at the altar in front of all these people. It seemed showy and like a drama at first to me. The service and the music was another mystery to me. How could they get away with playing such amazing music in church? They had drums, guitars, keyboards, etc. It was a band. The Pastor talked about the Bible like it was this living book. He made it seem like the people in the Bible were real and sitting right next to me. This was a fascinating concept to me. I had never thought about the Bible, Jesus and church as being real. There I sat Sunday after Sunday listening to God’s Word.

Then it happened, Psalm Sunday 1998. I was sitting in my seat, listening with all my heart and soul. I don’t even remember the message that the Pastor was sharing with us. The only thing I remember was the part where he asked us to bow our heads and pray with him. There in the middle of the prayer, I gave my heart to Jesus. I let go of all the anger, frustration, and the pain I was holding inside. I gave all the memories, all the suffering, all "the whatever" over to God. It has been a daily choice ever since to maintain a personal relationship with him.

It has been a most precious walk learning about Jesus.

In the Summer of 2002, I met my husband after corresponding with him over the internet for two months. I was very skeptical about meeting him after all the other let downs. But oh my, God knew what He was doing when He brought us together. We married in March of 2003 after seeing each other through Salah's double by-pass surgery. We saw each other in our worst and best times. I prayed about it over and over and over again. With all that happened in the short time we had been seeing each other, I would hear God's quiet gentle voice telling me, "Love this man." I did what He asked me to...love this man. It has been a HUGE blessing ever since.

Salah is originally from Iraq. He ventured into Yugoslavia for a few years attending college and was kicked out to go onto Austria for nearly 12 years. He followed his first wife of 8 years to the United States. He returned to Austria to visit his family and she filed for divorice while he was overseas seeing them. He has lived through some of the most heart wrenching circumstances and is very open about sharing those experiences. He returned to the USA in 1996 and went about his life until God placed me into his life in the Summer of 2002.

I am ever grateful for the honor to be his wife. We visited his family in Austria and Holland in 2007. That was a most amazing gift in itself. Salah and I have recently purchased a 14 acre farmette through God's generous hands. Bringing us out to the country has opened even more opportunities to see God's handiwork in action within our lives and deeper relationship with Jesus.